we're chasing vodka with high fives
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
