it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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