i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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