I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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