you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
