His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Randomize
