so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦â€
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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