Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
