So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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