I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
