how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Randomize
