walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
