Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize