tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
