The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
