I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
