It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
