I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
do nipples grow back?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
