You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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