did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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