I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize