Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
the day after is always just damage control
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
