I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize