wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
