You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
