If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
