Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
