the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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