I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
