Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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