dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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