why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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