my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Randomize
