I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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