Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
