I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
