Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
