i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
