If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
