thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
