nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize