seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Randomize
