I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I need a beard to bite.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
