i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I need to align my fucking chakras
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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