remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize