She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
In other news, I just burned my penis
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
