If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
