We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Randomize