Don't make out with my wife yet
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
