I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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