i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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