I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
