you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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