my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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