So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
