Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
