How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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