Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
No subtext here. People are naked.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
